It’s been exactly a month since I first published my eating disorder experience. Yes really, a month. I can’t believe it either. When I first hit that publish button and shut my laptop off I genuinely thought when I woke up the next day I’d delete it instantly but boy am I glad I didn’t. It was never my intention to make people pity me but I have to say the genuine support I received and the incredible feedback I got made it so worthwhile and guess what – the post stayed (though I still can’t read it back).
It was such a hard post for me to get out and yet it was one of my easiest to write. It had a mixed impact on my mind too. It felt incredible to get it all out there but it certainly made it more real, I had some really down days where I was obsessing over my weight and not being able to shift any of it but it was forcing me to think about it, recognise it and deal with it.
I can’t explain enough how much support I receive at home every single day. Tom is an actual angel but I always worry that he gets frustrated having to constantly tell me that I am enough. The dark, twisted side of me thinks he does it because he feels obliged to but I know that is never the case. I wish more than anything that I could see what he sees and love the person that I am now, not the person I will be when I’ve lost a bit of the podge. The optimis in me thinks I’ll wake up one morning not caring, like somebody flicked a switch and fixed me. The realist in me knows that this is a long way off, if it even happens at all but the key for me now is that I want this. The truth is I’ve found over my 10 years with this struggle that your mind set will only change if you want it to and I let my mind get too comfortable and it was hard to see that I was content being like this. Now I’m not. Now i’m ready to change.
I’ll be releasing my Half-year aims list in a couple of weeks – a goals list for the remainder of the year and my mental health is at the forefront of my mind. I’m aiming to not get bogged down with the number on the scales, something I’ve been very hit and miss with over the years. Instead i’m setting myself goals that are around me being comfortable with me. These will be harder to achieve but safer for my mind. I’m also trying to look at things in a different way so when I see the latest celebrity Instagram where a petite socialite is parading around her rock hard abs in a tiny bikini; i’m reminding myself that they are not me. They are not battling a chronic illness that is so painful it means I can’t get out of bed some days. They don’t work 11 hour days in an office for a wage that barely makes rent. They have money for personal trainers and time to train multiple hours a day. I could look like that if I had all of those but I don’t, that isn’t my life and I’m ok with that.
Another thing I’m hoping to develop in my mind is dressing for my body shape not my dress size. This i’m most interested in seeing if it works because at the minute it’s looking promising and it’s the first time I’ve ever thought about such a mind set. I am trying to feel so proud of my hourglass figure that I know others would be ecstatic to have. I know that I’m going to have good days and bad days. I’m strict with my money so I wouldn’t throw out outfits because they don’t fit right and they make me feel fat – though maybe I should – but I’m trying to re-think outfits where I can so I feel comfortable, sexy and confident so that I can finally champion my own body positivity!